Right now, its so quiet. The house is still and dark because no one else is stupid enough to be up right now. But I love the right now. Its so peaceful. The lists and lists of things that must be done have been set aside because, really, 1:48 is not a time of night to be doing anything productive effectively. What I can do right now is write. Freed from pesty to-dos, freed from the pleasantries and the pains of the day, this is my time.
Sometimes I have something I want to say but not enough courage to make it known. This particular post was originally titled “Vulnerable” and it was started on March 9th but never continued. There are some things which I write about with ease. This is not one of them.
I read somewhere that great epic poems do not start at the beginning or the end, but in the middle. So in the style of the classics, here we go.
I developed a very odd habit around the age of 8. Whenever there was a prevailing emotion, mood, or aura around me, I would immediately assume the opposite. If there was great pessimism, I would see the sun shining through. If there was great impatience and anxiety, all the peace and tranquility in the world would flow through me. If there was anger and hatred and misunderstanding, I would suddenly be filled with empathy and love. See, this only applied to the negative emotions around me. Thankfully, if there was happiness and kindness and puppies and rainbows, I wouldn’t automatically turn into a rain cloud.
This habit is both helpful and destructive. It allows me to stay calm when others are panicking and it allows me to think rationally when logic is nowhere to be found. What it keeps me from doing is being vulnerable. There are those moments when everyone else is falling apart and yet I can’t help but be stoic and strong. In those moments, there is nothing I want more than to join in and cry and show that I can fall apart too, but I can’t. My eyes remain dry while my heart breaks on the inside.
So its not that I can’t be vulnerable because I am bent on maintaining an image of strength and resilience but that I’ve trained myself to balance out the sentiments in a given area. This also can make me infuriating to some when in argument and my calmness is be mistaken for arrogance. I can drive people crazy when positivity is the last thing someone wants to hear. So I’m learning there are times to look on the bright side and to remain logical but there are also times when I need to simply agree with the person that yes, sometimes life sucks and when I need to skip the rationality and just admit I was wrong.
What I haven’t yet mastered is how to be vulnerable, let go, and be human. It’s a work in progress, just like this post, just like my life, and just like you.