relationships – Chloe J Sayers

Do Not Feed the Wildlife

“Please do not misplace your kindness,” read the sign at the state park asking it’s visitors to not feed the wildlife. How many times in life do we have to hear that? Do not tap on the glass. Do not feed the wild animals. What you think is kind is actually self-serving at best or destructive at worst.

I’ve misplaced my kindness almost as many times as I’ve misplaced my keys–which is at least once a day. I’ve left bits of poisoned good will on short term mission trips. Scattered pieces of benevolence on grieving friends when I should have responded with shared sadness. I enable my own sin by showing much too much kindness to myself and not enough to others.

When I misplace my kindness, I trick myself into thinking that I am acting out of goodwill when there might be some ulterior motives in play. It’s one of the first steps to getting lost in the Bermuda triangle of unhealthy relationships–also known as the Karpman Triangle.

There’s a lot of interesting thoughts on this theory and I’ll list some additional resources at the bottom if you want to learn more. What I’ve found most valuable about this diagram is that it demonstrates how easy it is to slide from role to role, usually as a result of misplaced kindness.

The Rescuer sees a Persecutor hurting the Victim. In an effort to help the Victim, the Rescuer misplaces their kindness and starts attacking the Persecutor, thus becoming a Persecutor themselves. Now the original Persecutor is the Victim. That is just one scenario of thousands but the basic gist is that once you are in the triangle it’s very easy to just change dysfunctional roles instead of breaking out and working towards healthy relationships. In healthy relationships, no one is a Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor.

We respond to triggers from others and end up taking the bait, even though it’s poisonous. Just like the wildlife at the park, we grow dependent on emotional food that is completely devoid of nutrition and even go out of our way to access this psychological Wonder Bread.

I’m committed to breaking out of the cycle in my head and in my relationships by placing my kindness in such a way that is truly loving to others and honoring to God. This takes a lot of wisdom, which I don’t always have, but fortunately I serve a God who delights in giving us His wisdom (James 1:5). So much so that He dedicated several books in His Word to finding and attaining wisdom! Not a bad place to start.

This post is the first in the Misplaced series–a series inspired by a summer of leaving a life behind in California and starting a new one in Russia. I’ll be talking about the infamous Quiet Time and much-debated Minimalism next! Follow along by entering your email address for blog updates.

Karpman Drama Triangle Resources

General Overview: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Official Site: https://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/

Focus on Victimhood: https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

Breaking the Triangle: http://www.johngouletmft.com/Breaking_The_Drama_Triangle_Newest.pdf

About Me, Change, Life Lessons, Marriage, Maturity

Onward and Upward

I can’t be my true self around my husband. I can’t say whatever I want, do whatever I want, or act however I want.

And that’s a really good thing.

Because my true self is selfish and way too worried about schedules and spreadsheets (I would have made an excellent railroad operator). My true self doesn’t think about the fact that she’s living with another human being who may not want to get dumped on about the day’s littlest details the moment she walks in the door. My true self has sky-high expectations for her husband’s every word, thought, and action without holding herself to that same standard. My true self is careless about feelings, quick to offend, and slow to forgive.

So thank goodness that my husband draws out the best in me and challenges me to be my better self instead of my true self.

“But shouldn’t we be able to be vulnerable and open with our spouses? Shouldn’t our homes be safe places to share our feelings?”

Well, yes. Of course. But whether if you’re bound to someone in a marriage covenant or just split a rent check each month; you are no longer an autonomous being. Our moods and words effect our housemates and spouses. We should strive to build relationships that encourage truth. But those beautiful relationships aren’t just the result of throwing all filters out the front door and saying whatever comes to mind. Sometimes loving your spouse means shutting your mouth.

For me, it means checking my mood when I get home from work. Right before I turn the corner leading towards our studio apartment and right after making a few quick glances into the dark corners of the gardens to make sure our not-so-neighborly skunk isn’t waiting to sabotage me, I think “would I want to greet myself in this mood after a long day’s work?” If the answer is no (and it usually is, because even the best days at work end with a commute in Southern California traffic), then I pause and take a moment to reset my perspective on the day and stop dwelling over the little angsts from the past 8 hours.

My true self still shows up a lot. I say things that are unkind and worse yet, I really mean them. I am grateful that my husband and friends continue to shower me with love that appreciates me for where I am but also can see the better me and continually encourages me to become that person.

Life Lessons, Marriage

Top 30: Things Girls Wish They Could Say to Guys

So I was thinking the other day about all the things I’d tell guys if I could and started talking about it with my friends. Turns out they had a few opinions on this matter as well. This list is a compilation of girl’s unspoken wishes from across the hall, across campus, and across the country. Girls, see if these ring true for you. Guys, read carefully.

1) Please don’t buy us gifts. It’s sweet but it just makes everything awkward. Spending time with us and listening to us > anything you could ever buy us. (caveat: this depends on love languages aka not a universal rule for all girls)

2) Your attractiveness level increases exponentially with personality. Not necessarily outgoingness, because we can see through that. Just having a solid character works.

3) Don’t play games.

5) We aren’t looking for the cookie-cutter romantic night out. A walk and a cup of coffee will do just fine.

6) Don’t tell me I’m perfect or the most beautiful girl on campus. I know I’m not, and you’re not, and that’s okay.

7) Along the same lines, don’t change for us. Holding yourself to higher standards is fine, but if we like you, it’s because we like you just the way you are.

8) Mostly, we just want you to make us feel safe.

9) We like to feel confident and self-sufficient, but deep down, we just want someone to take us by the hand and lead the way. Even the leaders don’t want to lead all the time.

10) Flirting is overrated. We don’t like having to do it and there are better ways to show you are interested.

11) Never treat us any differently in front of your guy friends. If we are good enough for you, we are good enough for them.

12) Don’t tell us that we complete you. We should be compatible and need/want each other but ultimately, God completes us. If you need a girl to complete you, you probably shouldn’t have one.

13) When we cry, you can’t do, smash, or fix anything. We just want to be held.

14) What we love most are the moments when you are truly yourself. Those are tender and romantic. Don’t engineer things to try to be what you think we want.

15) Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t tell us what you think we want to hear. Trust us, the truth has a way of coming out in the end.

16) Females are typically the ones that are stereotyped as being the insecure ones, so we have a hard time understanding that you are afraid of rejection too. That being said, we still want you to be willing to put yourself out there, and…

17) Initiate. Say something. Tell us you have feelings for us. BE A MAN (cue Mulan music). Because the girl that’s worth waiting for is one who is going to wait for the guy to lead the way. A pushy girl may make things easy for you, but as fast as you get into that relationship is as fast as you’re getting out.

18) A sincere compliment is the key to a girl’s heart.

19) We want to be able to build you up, but don’t belittle yourself in order to force the encouragement. We’ll give it without asking, we promise.

20) As much as you can, try and notice the little things. We feel special when you tell us that you remember something about us.

21) Your attractiveness increases TEN-FOLD if you show us that you are good with children.

22) Poetry/notes/letters are not over-rated.

23) We like guys with a good sense of humor, but you don’t always have to try to be funny.

24) Don’t be a different person around your guy friends than you are one-on-one with us. It’s annoying when you are a different person depending on who you are hanging out with.

25) We will judge you based on the quality of your friends. Choose wisely.

26) We LOVE figuring out what you are passionate about. Don’t be afraid to tell us.

27) It’s great having someone to go out on a date with, to hold, to kiss, and do all of the things that people in a relationship normally do. But above all, if we have feelings for you, we really want to be your best friend. Because YOU are OURS.

28) As mentioned previously, being a leader is important. But being the SPIRITUAL leader is essential.

29) Can you dance? No? LEARN. (Singing is a great alternative.)

30) We love hugs. The end.

There it is! If you’re a guy, what would you like to tell us? Comment if you so desire.