Life Lessons – Page 10 – Chloe J Sayers

Happiness Revisited

It was rather cold this morning for August. Driving with my back windshield fogged up because 1378211213_8f5b7900cd

I’m too lazy to wipe it off and being awake and on the road before 8 in the morning made me feel like I was going to high school again. However, instead of staying in the 50s all day like most school days, the sun came back and summer showed its face again.

Today was probably just as nice as any other day this summer. Playful sunshine and soft breezes, swaying trees and all that wonderful summer beauty. Yet, because I woke up cold and had to put on jeans and a sweatshirt on this morning, changing into a skirt and sandals made the day seem so much more delightful.

I find it sad that I can’t appreciate how wonderful life is until I have something to contrast it with. I don’t see the sunshine until I’ve lived in the shadows. I can’t muster up any happiness if I never feel sad.

Today was probably just as nice as any other day but today was more wonderful than any other day. I have reflected back on my summer and realized it was even better than I thought. Its been a fun experience and perhaps more importantly, a learning experience. Even without test scores and grades to validate me, I am quite assured that I have learned just as much in the last two and a half months of living life than I did over the past year.

I’ve learned how to balance my to do list and organization and obsession with getting things done with enjoying others around me and making the most of my limited time. I’ve learned how to balance listening and talking, being home and being away, hiding in my writings and expressing myself out loud, staying aware of the world while staying delightfully oblivious.

I’ve learned how to deem things irrelevant, such as having a balanced life, so I could live to extremes. Quite obviously, I’ve also perfected the skill of contradicting myself. At the beginning of the school year, I wrote this: http://86400seconds-smiles11.blogspot.com/2010/12/theory-3-happiness-is.html. If you don’t feel like taking the time to read it, I basically said that happiness was a worthless goal in life. I still think joy is way more important yet hard to come by sometimes. I have tested my theory and have lived an equally full life being indifferent to happiness as when I embraced it. I’m not going to make happiness the main focus of my life by any means but there is more value in it than I originally supposed.

Here is what I have found happiness to be good for: Until I let myself feel happy, then I can’t feel sad either. Not feeling sad bothers me more than not feeling happy. I suppose switching the order would make more sense, that it makes more sense to feel sad first so happiness means more when it comes. Either way, a juxtaposition between the two emotions is needed, therefore happiness does have a valuable purpose.

Saying goodbye to family, friends, familiar places and memories in the next two weeks will be sad. Yet it wouldn’t be genuinely sad if those things didn’t represent genuine happiness at one time or another. This heartache is well worth years of happy memories.

Side note: This is my 50th post in the span of roughly a year. Thank you all who make it to the end of these long-winded posts.

God, Life Lessons, Writing

Writing a Better Story (Part 1)

Blogger graphs the page views from this blog, and I’ve found that it has a unnerving correlation to my personal up and downs. The best parts of my year have huge peaks then there are massive valleys during the hard times, when I want to write, to express myself, to shout something, but nothing comes out.
Speaking of writing, I have been thinking a good deal lately about stories. In particular, the story that is your life.

Do you realize that? That this life is a story, and we are in the process of shaping the rising action, anticipating the climax, and choosing the setting. Arguably, it is God doing the writing but I will discuss this later.

I have a friend who put it this way: “We define ourselves as characters with our actions, our inactions, so on, so forth. And really morality is merely doing exactly what your protagonist would do.”

I tend to agree. I’m not promoting a frantic, Willy Loman, “I haven’t got a thing in the ground” reaction to the story idea. A life lived solely for the purpose of leaving a legacy will most likely look very impressive. However, a character that has spent so much time focused on the appearance of their actions will miss the actual living part.

I am promoting an intentional life. What can you remember from your story so far? Which moments stand out? If you were weeding out all of the commonplace events and stringing together the significant ones would it make a good story? Would you make a good protagonist, one that you would root for and relate to? It doesn’t matter if it would make the bestseller list or end up in the free box at garage sales. What matters is if it is a story that you would like reading, and inevitably, one that you wouldn’t mind reading to God.

At the end of any book, it usually isn’t the success of the mission, the resolution of the inherent conflict, or whether the boy gets the girl that makes an impact on me. If it is any sort of quality book, it is the personal success (that is, the development of their character towards a better end) that creates an enticing plot line, significant climax, and satisfying end to any book. (Side note: I have a habit of aligning myself with the wrong character in any given book, which my English class was ever so kind to point out to me.)

The reward you get from a story is always less than you thought it would be, and the work is harder than you imagined. The point of a story is never about the ending, remember. It’s about your character getting molded in the hard work of the middle. [Donald Miller]

So envision what you want life to be. Decide to like the main character, which, by the way, is you. Take the opportunities to write a better story. Don’t shy away from confrontation and changes. But be wise, be careful, and seek God’s will continuously. The only problem with writing a better story, is that it might just work.

Happiness, Life Lessons

This is living.

She shudders as the thunder blankets the sky. Her reaction is to hide, to withdraw inside of the house, herself, a book, anything. Sheets of rain driven by powerful winds rush by the window. The movement of the individual rain drops down the glass and the immense force that they command together frightens her so much that rationality is abandoned. Rubber boots are adorned instead of logic. The umbrella is left lying under the tackle box in the closet, her mothers warnings are left unheeded by ears that need to hear the wind in its full force.

The wetness is trapped in her clothing. It wraps around her tightly, clinging to her skin.
She runs. The neighbors peer from behind their gingham curtains and wonder why she must run, never once thinking that they must run as well. She doesn’t notice.

There is renewal in the rain and joy in the puddles. The rain forms moving walls that travel down the road. She laughs and runs after something that is impossible to catch.

Mud splashes with every step, barely noticeable on her legs and shorts that are saturated with water. She does not stop running.

Until she does stop and opens her eyes and her arms because this is the time to create a photograph. This is the time to be symbolic and embrace the rain. The smile is small but it has started from the heart and it cannot be stopped. Exhausted, she lets her hands fall, palm-down, over her head, onto the ground that is so wet that it accepts the hand prints willingly as they impress into the mud. Her body forms an arc. Slowly, she lowers the spine and lets it mold into the ground.

Eyes closed she lays there, soaking in the water from the earth and from the clouds. The thunder no longer blankets the sky. Each peal moves through the clouds on a diagonal, followed by a slight turn of the head. Sunshine replaces the darkness but the rain has a steady, lulling, consistency.

Each drop feels like it will pierce her skin as it lands on her legs and arms but the way it kisses her lips balances the pain. This is living.

Change, Church Life

I need a checkered bandanna.

I was driving to church the other day in my usual habit of thinking over all the things that must be thought over. I was driving along when something caught my eye. Turning onto the road was a person on a bike. I couldn’t tell their gender because they had a checkered bandanna pulled up over their mouth and a big floppy denim bucket hat on. Their orange backpack clashed with the tomato red shirt. As they turned the corner, they looked back behind themselves. I knew that look. They were watching to see if someone was following them. I don’t know if they just robbed a bank or were escaping a psychopath or just simply paranoid. All I know is that in the five seconds it took for me to take in this oddity I had this crazy yearning inside of my heart.

“I want to be that person!” my soul was screaming at me. They might have been in trouble or causing trouble but I didn’t care. They were having an adventure and they were living. Not that going to church isn’t living, this really has nothing to do with faith or religion. It’s just that my drive up this road is so incredibly routine. Here are some things I want:

I want to hold a mug full of warm tea and drop it and watch it fall and hear the ceramic crash into a million pieces and possibly cut myself on the sharp edges.

I want to throw my gum out the car window when I am done using it and not worry about littering.

I want to refuse to show up where I’m supposed to.

I want to hop on my bike and pedal and not stop until I physically can’t go any further and not bring a cell phone just to be safe and get lost and have to figure it out.

I want to do all these completely unreasonable things. Yet there is that annoying rational voice that keeps my mug securely in my hands and my gum in my mouth and my empty body at its appointments and my feet planted firmly on this mundane ground. I know this all sounds rather out of character but I’m sure you’ve felt like this before. Sadly, I am quite too sensible to show up somewhere late or not study for a test or stop being responsible and stop being me.

Friendship, Life Lessons, Pain, Writing

Regret

In a retrospective and introspective mood lately, I decided to read through some of my personal rants, poems, narratives, and essays. For the majority of them, I completely understand why the past me didn’t share them. However, a good deal of my wrirtings were direct letters and notes towards people and this makes me a bit sad. I regret now that I did not share them sooner. So to those people, I apologize. I should have shared my thoughts. It would have made us stronger.

Change

Changed Forever

“And then my life was changed forever.”

The words dangle in the air, ready to fall into anyone’s mind that might be listening. But no one really is because we’ve heard it all before. We’ve heard the tragic childhood stories and inspirational climbs to success that inevitably climax at some event and causes one to utter that they were “changed forever”.

There is nothing wrong with this, I just feel like the forever part really isn’t necessary.

What change isn’t forever?

How can anything return completely to its original state after it has been changed? You can replicate the setting, circumstances–and if you are lucky–the people that surrounded you. Yet as time moves on, life moves on, and you have been changed. Permanently. No matter what you do to return external circumstances, you can never fully revert your mind to where it has once been. There are new ideas, thoughts, and experiences in your mind and your life will be inherently different because of that.

The smallest event can completely change your perspective on life. The life that I face right now is somehow different than the life I faced a week ago. Not because I had a momentous epiphany or a soul-bending experience, but simply because a week has passed and I now have a week’s worth of thoughts and experiences that have ingrained themselves into my brain and become a part of its permanent collection, whether I am aware of it or not.

This is not to say that we are simply helpless pawns in the face of destiny. Every small detail of life changes you somehow, whether it is a glimpse of pure beauty or a snippet of a strangers conversation. Yet we have some decisions to make. We can allow a hurtful remark to embitter us or enjoy the freedom that giving the benefit of the doubt gives back to us. We can listen to the wind rushing aimlessly or scowl as we pick up the papers it scattered.

Don’t wait for the events that society has labeled as milestones to realize that you have been changed forever.

You are forever changing.

God, Life Lessons, Pain

Self-Suffocation

Thinking can be dangerously self-absorbed. Of course, this depends entirely on what you are thinking of. This morning, I woke, moved around, then laid on my bed to think. Sometimes thoughts are enlightening, wonderful, and inspirational. Other times, they are simply self-suffocating. I keep thinking the same things over and over and the monotony threatens to kill any creativity I have left but my brain is set on repeat and I can’t stop. I was in this stifling cycle this morning so I decided that going on a run would be helpful.

I have an odd malady where occasionally I will have shooting pains in my lungs and won’t be able to breathe. If you know me personally, and I happen to freeze in the middle of a conversation or action, this is probably why. It isn’t that much of a problem, I can usually resume breathing after a few moments and keep going. Sadly, this morning, when I most needed to run away from myself, my lungs would not cooperate and I was forced into a fast walk.

I had been doing this run for a little bit, stop running to start breathing again, start walking, forget why I couldn’t run, start running, stop breathing, and so on for about an hour and had no less separated myself from my thoughts than when I was lying on my bed. This made me very frustrated and I was on the verge of considering my run/walk a waste when a very well timed friend sent a text saying that they wanted to know the real me.

It then struck me. God wants to know the real me too and is daunting as that may feel (the idea that the creator of the universe and savior of mankind cares at all about me), He already knows the real me. All my efforts to sculpt my outward self into the person I wish I could be are pointless. The fact that I was letting personal battles and distractions get in the way of being intimate with God who already knows all about my shortcomings and failures suddenly seemed quite foolish indeed. If I must think myself in circles, then perhaps refocusing myself on living for God and Him alone could release me from this trap of thinking.

Life Lessons, Pain

The Right Now

Right now, its so quiet. The house is still and dark because no one else is stupid enough to be up right now. But I love the right now. Its so peaceful. The lists and lists of things that must be done have been set aside because, really, 1:48 is not a time of night to be doing anything productive effectively. What I can do right now is write. Freed from pesty to-dos, freed from the pleasantries and the pains of the day, this is my time.

Sometimes I have something I want to say but not enough courage to make it known. This particular post was originally titled “Vulnerable” and it was started on March 9th but never continued. There are some things which I write about with ease. This is not one of them.

I read somewhere that great epic poems do not start at the beginning or the end, but in the middle. So in the style of the classics, here we go.

I developed a very odd habit around the age of 8. Whenever there was a prevailing emotion, mood, or aura around me, I would immediately assume the opposite. If there was great pessimism, I would see the sun shining through. If there was great impatience and anxiety, all the peace and tranquility in the world would flow through me. If there was anger and hatred and misunderstanding, I would suddenly be filled with empathy and love. See, this only applied to the negative emotions around me. Thankfully, if there was happiness and kindness and puppies and rainbows, I wouldn’t automatically turn into a rain cloud.

This habit is both helpful and destructive. It allows me to stay calm when others are panicking and it allows me to think rationally when logic is nowhere to be found. What it keeps me from doing is being vulnerable. There are those moments when everyone else is falling apart and yet I can’t help but be stoic and strong. In those moments, there is nothing I want more than to join in and cry and show that I can fall apart too, but I can’t. My eyes remain dry while my heart breaks on the inside.

So its not that I can’t be vulnerable because I am bent on maintaining an image of strength and resilience but that I’ve trained myself to balance out the sentiments in a given area. This also can make me infuriating to some when in argument and my calmness is be mistaken for arrogance. I can drive people crazy when positivity is the last thing someone wants to hear. So I’m learning there are times to look on the bright side and to remain logical but there are also times when I need to simply agree with the person that yes, sometimes life sucks and when I need to skip the rationality and just admit I was wrong.

What I haven’t yet mastered is how to be vulnerable, let go, and be human. It’s a work in progress, just like this post, just like my life, and just like you.

About Me, Friendship, Life Lessons, Writing

Standing on my Shallow Soapbox

Now is the time to write. In the past, my creativity was being forcibly taken from me by a busy schedule and projects. Conversations have also drained my ability to put coherent thoughts on a page, yet these I do not regret. Typically, I have at least one nugget of an idea a day which I’d like to write about. If I’m lucky, I write it down and don’t lose the scrap of paper. Lately, however, I have had some very decent talks with some very decent people which gave me another outlet for thinking. Good for myself and my friendships, bad for a blog. To be honest, though, I’m not writing for whoever is reading this.

I can’t talk. I’m always talking. But not today. And it’s killing me. My soul is restless, I can feel the words, thoughts, phrases, and clauses, trying to come together. They keep missing each other, like a failed high-five, an inch away from collision, a centimeter away from forceful contact. This is my attempt to put them together so that I can feel the impact of words once again.

Today my blog is my soapbox. I have completed high school which gives me a relatively shallow box to stand on and give advice, but it is my box and I am going to use it.

As a result of scholarships, senior awards night, and making an obnoxious amount of display boards and scrapbooks, I have come to two conclusions:
1) I find myself quite annoying at times. I feel like the poster child for anything and everything and if I could be someone else and know me, I’m not sure I’d want to. This is the last time I will spend a concentrated amount of time reading about myself. I much prefer reading about others.
2) It is my sincerest wish that my time in private school, home school, and public school does not simply add up to a resume of accomplishments, awards, and certificates. I was looking at a sheet with all of those listed and realized that those things did not embody the success of my schooling, not by a long shot. This led me to reflect on the things that I did in high school that actually did matter and this is where things get a little soapbox-y.

I have met some of the most incredible people in high school, particularly in the last two years. They aren’t the people that I was supposed to be associated with. They weren’t friends because they boosted my outward reputation. Sometimes we didn’t have that much in common. The majority of them started off with poor first impressions and misjudgements. So my word to the wise: never overlook anyone. Never write someone off after the first conversation, first month, or even first year. People continue to surprise me with how much they add to my life and much of their value you probably won’t even realize until they are gone. If you want to limit yourself to the people that approach you first, that are accepted by others, or don’t require you to exit your comfort zone, feel free. You’ll miss out on knowing and learning from some of the most original and wonderful people you’ll ever know, but hey, at least it won’t be uncomfortable and you’ll always have that little group of friends that are exactly. just. like. you.

We are now drawing near to the end of my writing abilities. Significant events generally spur on significant writing and while these past few weeks have certainly not been lacking in significance, I have only brushed the surface of their impact on me in this post.

Until I have more time,
Chloe

Friendship, Life Lessons, Writing

Linguistics

Just from reading the title, you are probably already bored. Linguistics sounds like a required gen ed course at a liberal arts college. I’m not talking about analyzing the Greek and Latin roots of the English language (been there, did that–trust me, its not fun). So stick with me on this one.

Conversationalist

I feel like the ability to carry on a conversation is extremely limited nowadays. In my opinion, a conversation is not:

a contest to get in the most brag points as possible
an argument
a five part report
a string of questions
topping someone’s stories with a better one of your own
constant connections to your own life, often unrelated to what the person was really trying to say

gossip

talking about the weather or teachers

inserting “lol” or “haha” at the beginning and end of each sentence

Conversations are precious and beautiful. They are an effort on the part of two people to better understand each other, themselves, and the world around them. They are about philosophies and ideas, hopes and dreams, silly thoughts and deep ones. They aren’t all intellectual exchanges, but with some inconsequential small talk mixed in. They are a give and take. They involve more listening than talking.

A true conversation is one where you are actually hearing and following up with the person you are talking to, not waiting impatiently until you get to have your say. A true conversation can be both enlightening and confusing. It is not limited to a list of topics. It is not limited by social barriers that dictate what is appropriate for conversing. It can make your heart soar with new ideas and freedom. It can weigh your soul down with the burdens of another. But its worth it. Every time.

Talking to someone else could be the key you were looking for that opens up their soul and saves their life. And, at the same time, you are saving your own.