God – Page 3 – Chloe J Sayers

Inadequate.

I have been recently thinking about inadequacy. Not for the purpose of beating myself up, but just a realistic look at who I am. I have come to the conclusion that I am ultimately inadquate in everything. I will never be the friend, roommate, Christ-follower, daughter, student, leader, or sister that I should be. I am very confident in the fact that I will ultimately fail. This thought could be stifling, but it doesn’t have to be.

Which is why I don’t mind posting things like this, thoughts that aren’t just interesting analogies or insightful lists. Letting the realization that my life is be defined by inadequacy stop me from trying to be better is fatal to the person I want to become. Yet lying to myself in thinking that everything is always perfect is equally dangerous.

It’s okay to not understand life sometimes or yourself or why you feel like you want to cry but never can.

What’s not okay is letting that stop you from moving on, looking beyond the meladrama in your mind, and making life better.

God, Life Lessons, Writing

Misaligned

midslihnrf.
Here is a phenomenon about myself that I have never been able to understand. Every once in a while, I start typing too quickly or too lazily and my hands get one key off. Instead of making nice coherent sentences, everything comes out like s nunvh og hinnrtidh ( translation: a bunch of gibberish). What I don’t understand is that I always follow this illogical pattern:

1) Notice that all the letters I typed on the screen aren’t actually forming words.
2) Frown
3) Erase the half page of gibberish.
4) Start typing again without fixing my hands.
5) Frown at my incompetence when I make the same mistake again. and again. and again.

It’s like running the vaccum over the same piece of string 50 times in a row because you are convinced that the 51st time will be the charm.

The sad thing is, I do this with my life too. I wake up one day and realize that everything is a mess and run around like crazy trying to fix everything and once I do, continue living in the same way with out realigning my life with God. Sometimes, its because I’m just going too fast to notice that something is wrong or I’m too stubborn to admit that the problem is me. Either way, I don’t particularly like my life story being a bunch of gibberish.

Which is why I’m thankful for nights like this, when my schedule becomes so busy that I refuse to pick between four different plans and instead stay in my room and think and pray and realign.

It’s time to start making sense.

Change, God, Life Lessons, Time

Grove City Standard Time

I have exactly four minutes to write this. Welcome to Grove City Standard Time. Activities that imagesCARR51YA used to take you an hour have about 10 minutes of scheduled time to get done. You will manage your time or you will lose it, along with your sanity. Yet even though the time has compressed and the clock’s hands seem to be racing to see who can get there fastest, there is no other time zone I’d rather be in. It’s amazing what you can get done in a minute when a minute is all the time you have.

Life at this speed is insane, impossible, exhausting, but also beautiful and precious. We have such a short and undetermined time to be here. This isn’t a race to run you raggard but one to run with dilligence while resting in God’s peace and ultimate sovereignty. For as much as I’d like to think I can do, I am completely useless without Him.

My time is up for now, but I’ll be back.
Chloe

Change, God, Organization

Last Check

Once Upon A Time I came home from college for Christmas break. And by “A Time” I mean 4 weeks ago. The sudden halt of activity and interactions jarred my sense of stability but there was Christmas to be celebrated, God to be worshipped, presents to be exchanged, and food (and food and food) to be eaten. Just before the “Christmas Thud” overtook me, I was rescued by my to-do list.

A mere sticky note could not contain this masterpiece.
I listed people to visit with and projects to master, new skills to learn, habits to begin, books to read.
While I thoroughly enjoyed seeing my friends and repainting my bathroom and running every day, I was still resting. For me, true rest is not in social interaction or sleeping or laying on the couch reading. I enjoy all of those things but true rest is in God.

I began feeling frustrated that my intellectual and spiritual growth were slowing down just because I was slowing down. However, with some good conversation with friends and God I realized this didn’t have to be the case. I’ve learned different things here at home, but I am still learning and still in awe of all that I don’t know and get to discover.

Now, this computer is the only thing I haven’t packed yet. My to-do list is completed and instead of feeling relieved, it makes me a bit sad. Sad because I don’t have things to accomplish and sad also because having things to accomplish has become so important to my sense of stability. Still a work in progress with that one.

I feel empty and I don’t know if it is just the angst of transition or sadness about leaving such a lovely home or trepidation for what the future holds and confused because all of these feelings are rather foreign to me. I have so much to learn.

Church Life, God

Christian Living

I used to read those Christian girl magazines when I was younger. Pages of tips on boys and make-up and modest dress interwoven with articles on how much you should tithe or Christian musicians and the occassional Bible reading plan. Eventually, the editor canceled my subscription because I had an issue with some of their content and we got into an e-mail argument over it.
Oops.

Anyways, that pretty much shaped my view of Christianity. Not that it was run by egotistical overly-defensive editors rather, that it was a Christian life which was filled with normal life stuff like applying eyeshadow and doing “Define the Relationship” talks (so maybe thats not so normal) with a bit of Christianity interwoven. Not the mainstay of your life by any means, but the 15 minutes in the morning for Bible reading, an hour or two for youth group, and tithing at the Sunday morning worship service.

Because I was a good little homeschooled grew-up-in-the-church girl, I followed the expectations and read my Bible in the mornings. Its a dangerous thing to give a literalist 12 year old who devoured books a Bible. I was told to believe it and thats exactly what I did. Except it didn’t paint the same picture my Christian magazines were painting. It wasn’t telling me which Christian fiction book series about the Amish to read. It wasn’t telling me how many inches my shorts were supposed to be above the knee. It was telling me to love always and to pray continually and live every day, no, every second, for the glory of the God. Something wasn’t meshing for me.

Throughout highschool, I was content with the Christian life. I really enjoyed it even. I was content to believe that what I was doing was enough, because after all, one can’t always be praying can they?

I started reading the Bible again.

After a while, I couldn’t keep lying to myself. I had to accept the Bible for what it said or not at all. I started reading these books like Do Hard Things and Crazy Love and I finally found someone else that saw a disconnect between Christian living (it sounds like a Marthat Stewart brand) and what the Bible was saying.

Now, its easier than ever to completely live for God. I’m surrounded by church, discipleship groups, classes on the Bible, prayer groups, worship nights, prayer partners. It’s also harder than ever to be authentially living and radical in a bubble where the basics are already being met. I’m only at college for a season. God didn’t call me to live completely for Him for four years, He called me for life.

I’m reading another radical Christianity book right now. I watched the Passion 2012 stream last night. Yet I was talking to my friend and we both agreed that if we actually tried some of the radical love and trust in God that these people talk about, most Christian adults we know would discourage us.

What do they know that we don’t? I hear these ideas of living fully for God dismissed as a phase young Christians go through. Do we turn 30 and suddenly get to ignore those radical parts of the Bible? Does God stop convicting us to live completely for Him? I see this generation ready to be different but I think we need some adults too. Its too easy to be caught up in the hype and we need those are wiser to ground us.

I’m tired of Christian living and not living for Christ.

God

Timelines, learning curves, grace, and Christmas.

After months of trying to squeeze 70 productive minutes out of every hour, it feels very odd to be sitting here, at home, in front of my Christmas tree, with nothing to do. Of course, I have a list of people to see, books to read, thoughts to think, and things to do. All those things are on hold until after Christmas though. Even all my wrapping is done.

So I will now take advantage of this time to reflect on the past semester. I’ve been putting that off too, but I need to close the last chapter to start on the next one.

I really enjoy it when facebook changes things up on people. As soon as anything changed, my newsfeed becomes littered with angry statuses about hating change and progress. The funny part, is they are still using Facebook to express their bitter little opinions. I am personally very fond of the new timeline feature.

This is because I view the present in terms of the future. I like picturing my life in timeline form and seeing how impactful this semester could be on the rest of my life while keeping it in perspective that it was only an eighth of my college experience and a minuscule fraction of my life as a whole. If God can teach me so much in just a few months, I can’t wait to see what the next semester has in store.

I have learned to depend fully on God this semester. Correction: I’ve learned that I have to depend fully on God if I ever hope to fulfill His plan for me or maintain sanity. The actual practice of this is less than stellar.

I’ve learned to accept being a work in progress and release perfection. I’ve learned to let down mental barriers in order to appreciate others more fully. I’ve learned the value of alone time for reflection and God but also that introspection can be selfish and I need a whole lot less of it than I once thought.

I’ve learned that God is constant and while life is not, I don’t have to force it to be. If I let God be the source of my love, joy, and peace than I can let go of everything else.

Sometimes you read the textbook, pay attention in class, study like crazy, and still fail the test. That’s where I’m at right now (hopefully not in academics) but in life. I am absorbing so many new experiences and knowledge but I know that I still won’t pass the test of putting these things into practice.

Which is why there is grace from God, and a new covenant embodied in Jesus Christ, and this truly is the best thing ever. It’s also why Christmas (even minus the anticipation and coldness and snow) is so special.

Yours truly,
Chloe

P.S. I just re-read my Christmas post from last year around this time. The same tensions exist and probably always will. Except this year, I’m not at the point of breaking. Slowly but surely, God is working within me. Even the littlest bit of progress means there is still hope. Merry Christmas!

God, Life Lessons

Things I Believe

Usually, I would write a wordy rambling on each one of these. My new goal for writing: be concise. Here’s one of my first attempts to consolidate my thoughts.

Things I Believe

I am who I am, no matter who I’m with or where I am.

My peace is not grounded in knowing everything will work out in the end, but knowing that even if it doesn’t, God is still perfect in love and faithful to the end.

I am shaped by my past but not defined by it.

Compared to eternity, this life is very insignificant.

This life is insignificant when it comes to the things that don’t affect eternity. Sharing God’s love and salvation and living out His will affect eternity and more than deserve my attention and effort.

I will often be wrong. It’s better to admit when you are wrong than try to defend a lost cause.

I am responsible to the people in my life, but not for them.

To live in blissful denial: don’t count the hours of sleep you get, cups of coffee you drink, or amount of time spent studying.

Being quiet and listening is as satisfying as getting to express yourself.

Thinking can both save and destroy you: use your thoughts wisely.

Being busy isn’t a sign of productivity, achievement, or success. Nor does God use it to determine our worth.

Balance is beautiful.

People are worth it, every time. Love is always worth the pain of caring.

If I won’t give up on the people in my life, I won’t give up on myself either.

Basing your self-perception off of how you interact with others is only half of who you are, a little introspection goes a long way.

Change, God, Life Lessons

My Feeble Attempt

I like quotes. Mostly because they do what I never can. They take a thought, an idea, an emotion and turn it into a sentence or two. It usually takes me more like a paragraph or two. Sometimes I browse the web for quotes when its a rainy day out like today and nothing is really pressing on my shoulders right now and I need some new ideas to fill my brain with. The one above is a good example of your typical internet quote. It is decently nice. It is also decently egotistical. I browsed a bit down the comments about this one and one read: “Don’t you ever forget, You Are Perfect!”

That’s a really nice thought. A really nice thought that’s really false. You aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect. We never will be. I don’t even have a good proportion of doing things right to messing up. In fact, I’d estimate that I mess up 8.48 times for every one time that I actually do something right. But that’s just a rough guess.

I’m okay with that. I want to do better in every area of my life but there is something to be said for imperfection. It makes us vulnerable. It tears down some of judgment walls if we would just realize that everyone is just as broken as we are and we are just a group of fallen people feebly trying to hold each other up while resting in the incredible grace of the God who created and saved us.

It also makes the small perfections in life even more beautiful. The innocence of children is even more precious, the sincere smile from a stranger even more encouraging.

We are wonderfully made and known by name by an incredible God, yes. Perfect we are not.

Change, Church Life, God, Life Lessons

Church “Shopping”

I hate the term church shopping. I absolutely hate it but that’s exactly what I’ve done for the past three Sundays. First off, it assumes that I am going to church to get something for myself, like you would go to Meijers to buy food or Target to buy, well, everything. I’m not. I’m going to church to worship God and serve him.

Yet it’s so hard to know what church would be best (see, even the word best assumes some qualifications a church must meet to “suit” me and again, that is not what I want to be doing). So my subconscious starts to create a list of specifications and desires. You don’t want it to be all college students or all grandparents. You don’t want it to be all hymns or all Chris Tomlin. The sermon should be scripture-based not just a self-help guide read out loud. The list goes on and on and it makes me feel like a horrible person for even having it.

Second problem: there is some unspoken rule that you only have about 5 or 6 Sundays to “shop” churches and then you are being too particular or not receptive to the Holy Spirit or whatnot. I would absolutely love for the first church I walk into to be my home church and have a family there and feel like that this is where I need to serve God but it really doesn’t work that way. Considering there are 25+ churches in the area, this puts a lot of pressure on the preliminary church selections and really, there is only so much you can find out about a church from its website. You can’t get to know the people and see how authentic the worship is or if they will glare at you for not going to Sunday School (my experience this morning).

Perhaps the largest problem is that I don’t know where I should be. I’ve grown up in the same church all my life and I’m just now realizing what a blessing and a curse that was. I love that I know almost everyone and have a history there and that the worship is authentic and the preaching is sound but that’s all I’ve ever known. Do I limit myself and possibly God by choosing a church that is as North Oaksish as possible? I don’t think that is smart but I feel like I keep measuring up churches to my home church in the back of my mind. I’m in a new place of life and what was right for me last year might not be the same this year. Or it might be. I honestly have no idea. So I’m back to the drawing board, or more accurately, the praying board.

This concludes my rant on churches and the “shopping experience”. Thank you for reading.

P.S. Signs are really, really helpful and the lack of them is really, really frustrating.

Change, God, Happiness, Life Lessons

Life is wonderful.

I feel like I have lived a month in the past week and could probably write a good deal on first college experiences but I am currently enjoying just living life instead of dissecting it. So for now, I am putting away the scapel. This does not mean that I have nothing to say. My mind is whirling faster than it did before, just more about the width of the Fertile Cresent, how to balance equities, liabilities, and assets, and business plans then my normal introspective thoughts.

The one rather self-reflective thought that has been making its rounds however; is about the way I percieve myself and my surroundings now in contrast to what my viewpoint will be in two years, one month, five days. I certainly know that I am an incredibly different person than when I was in 9th grade, or even the beginning of 12th grade. It only makes sense then, that I will change within the next four years. I will see myself and everything else in this wonderful world very differently. I will probably look back at my state of mind right now and give myself one of those condescending little half-grins. I will probably read this in a year and laugh out loud.

I completely realize how ignorant I am about self-realization, even when I think that I have myself figured out. I used to reassure myself that I least understood myself. Now, I reassure myself that at least I know that I don’t understand myself. At least I am aware that I am unaware.

I am far too happy to end this post on that negative note. I am good, life is wonderful, and God is great.