In a retrospective and introspective mood lately, I decided to read through some of my personal rants, poems, narratives, and essays. For the majority of them, I completely understand why the past me didn’t share them. However, a good deal of my wrirtings were direct letters and notes towards people and this makes me a bit sad. I regret now that I did not share them sooner. So to those people, I apologize. I should have shared my thoughts. It would have made us stronger.
Thinking can be dangerously self-absorbed. Of course, this depends entirely on what you are thinking of. This morning, I woke, moved around, then laid on my bed to think. Sometimes thoughts are enlightening, wonderful, and inspirational. Other times, they are simply self-suffocating. I keep thinking the same things over and over and the monotony threatens to kill any creativity I have left but my brain is set on repeat and I can’t stop. I was in this stifling cycle this morning so I decided that going on a run would be helpful.
I have an odd malady where occasionally I will have shooting pains in my lungs and won’t be able to breathe. If you know me personally, and I happen to freeze in the middle of a conversation or action, this is probably why. It isn’t that much of a problem, I can usually resume breathing after a few moments and keep going. Sadly, this morning, when I most needed to run away from myself, my lungs would not cooperate and I was forced into a fast walk.
I had been doing this run for a little bit, stop running to start breathing again, start walking, forget why I couldn’t run, start running, stop breathing, and so on for about an hour and had no less separated myself from my thoughts than when I was lying on my bed. This made me very frustrated and I was on the verge of considering my run/walk a waste when a very well timed friend sent a text saying that they wanted to know the real me.
It then struck me. God wants to know the real me too and is daunting as that may feel (the idea that the creator of the universe and savior of mankind cares at all about me), He already knows the real me. All my efforts to sculpt my outward self into the person I wish I could be are pointless. The fact that I was letting personal battles and distractions get in the way of being intimate with God who already knows all about my shortcomings and failures suddenly seemed quite foolish indeed. If I must think myself in circles, then perhaps refocusing myself on living for God and Him alone could release me from this trap of thinking.
Right now, its so quiet. The house is still and dark because no one else is stupid enough to be up right now. But I love the right now. Its so peaceful. The lists and lists of things that must be done have been set aside because, really, 1:48 is not a time of night to be doing anything productive effectively. What I can do right now is write. Freed from pesty to-dos, freed from the pleasantries and the pains of the day, this is my time.
Sometimes I have something I want to say but not enough courage to make it known. This particular post was originally titled “Vulnerable” and it was started on March 9th but never continued. There are some things which I write about with ease. This is not one of them.
I read somewhere that great epic poems do not start at the beginning or the end, but in the middle. So in the style of the classics, here we go.
I developed a very odd habit around the age of 8. Whenever there was a prevailing emotion, mood, or aura around me, I would immediately assume the opposite. If there was great pessimism, I would see the sun shining through. If there was great impatience and anxiety, all the peace and tranquility in the world would flow through me. If there was anger and hatred and misunderstanding, I would suddenly be filled with empathy and love. See, this only applied to the negative emotions around me. Thankfully, if there was happiness and kindness and puppies and rainbows, I wouldn’t automatically turn into a rain cloud.
This habit is both helpful and destructive. It allows me to stay calm when others are panicking and it allows me to think rationally when logic is nowhere to be found. What it keeps me from doing is being vulnerable. There are those moments when everyone else is falling apart and yet I can’t help but be stoic and strong. In those moments, there is nothing I want more than to join in and cry and show that I can fall apart too, but I can’t. My eyes remain dry while my heart breaks on the inside.
So its not that I can’t be vulnerable because I am bent on maintaining an image of strength and resilience but that I’ve trained myself to balance out the sentiments in a given area. This also can make me infuriating to some when in argument and my calmness is be mistaken for arrogance. I can drive people crazy when positivity is the last thing someone wants to hear. So I’m learning there are times to look on the bright side and to remain logical but there are also times when I need to simply agree with the person that yes, sometimes life sucks and when I need to skip the rationality and just admit I was wrong.
What I haven’t yet mastered is how to be vulnerable, let go, and be human. It’s a work in progress, just like this post, just like my life, and just like you.
It’s the should have’s and would have’s that will kill someone. People who know what they should do but find ten excuses that kill their inner conviction. We are too afraid that we will make someone uncomfortable, that we will create an awkward moment. Go ahead. Make it uncomfortable. Make it awkward. When you see someone hurting, your going tos, should haves, and maybe laters aren’t going to help. They can’t read your mind. They don’t know how much you want to help if you never release your thoughts and turn them into notes and words and actions. Because guess what? There might not be a second time. This could be your only chance to change someone’s life. Don’t ever assume that there will be a later for you to muster up your courage and talk to someone. This isn’t about you. This is about waking up and not ignoring the problems around you because you think you might say the wrong thing.
Don’t think someone else is going to take care of it. Everyone thinks that. Everyone assumes that somewhere, some kind hearted person will notice that there is a broken human being in front of them and will help them find the pieces and put themselves back together. Yet if we all believe that someone else will take the responsibility, no one will.
Overreact to the smallest cues. If someone is talking in the past tense about a problem, it probably is very real in the present. If someone is making a joke about a hurt and pasting that smile over their sorrow, the hurt isn’t gone. If someone is becoming more and more outgoing, then they might be withdrawing on the inside. If someone seems to always be happy on the outside, they probably rarely have true joy.
Stop lying to yourself. Saying things like “It doesn’t mean anything” “They would talk to me if they needed help” People won’t. People will hide within themselves before they ever tell you they need you. If you misread a cue and talk to someone about it and you are wrong, that’s okay. They might think you are overly concerned and too analytical but it won’t hurt anyone. If you don’t speak up when you think someone is hurting, it’s not okay. They needed you. They desperately wanted someone to pick up on their hints and you ignored them for the sake of being comfortable and not rocking the boat. That was all they are going to give you to let you know something was wrong.
Call them out. Confront them.
They are crying. They are screaming. But they won’t ever tell you that. They want you to know something is wrong yet at the same time feel they must keep up the brave face. Tell them its okay not to be happy. Never let something go because you don’t have the time to deal with it. You aren’t just letting someone’s problem go; you are letting a human being slip away forever.
I miss you. We haven’t even met officially. I wonder who you would have turned out to be. Would you have been brave and beautiful? Would you have been compassionate and caring? Would we have been best friends? Whoever you would have been, you would have been wonderful. When I look into the faces of my friends, I see pieces of you there. Their little mannerisms and wonderful qualities only serve to remind me of what you could have been. For as much as I search for you, I’ll never find the whole you. You never even got the chance to exist. You could have changed the world. You would have been someone’s son, someone’s brother, someone’s husband. You didn’t deserve this. We all have been given a life-a chance to screw things up and suffer the consequences. You suffered the consequences for just existing. You didn’t even have a chance to make a mistake. You didn’t even choose to exist yet your fate was chosen for you. Don’t you know? I miss you terribly. We’ll meet for the first time in my future sometime.
Brain Damage.
Is a very serious problem. Usually it is the overhanging anxiety following strokes, concussions, car accidents, premature births. It is also used as a threat. Don’t drink—it causes brain damage. Don’t do drugs—it causes brain damage. Don’t hold in a sneeze—it causes brain damage. The validity of the last one is somewhat questionable. Still, we are told and we see how external circumstances can cause irrevocable brain damage. It is incredibly sad and terrifying.
I started questioning my existence when I was about eight. Not in the “why am I here? Do I have any significance in this huge world” type of way. Fortunately, I had unusually extreme self-confidence and never really doubted why I was in this world. Obviously, my presence made it a better place. What I would do, however, was think myself away. I am making no sense, I know. Stick with me.
I had a tendency to go through my life as if it is a story (probably an after-effect of too much reading as a small child). I know many people “narrate” their life sometimes, but I did this ALL the time. It was if there were two Chloes. There was the one that did the acting, the living out. Then there was another one that sat backstage and watched. Every once in a while the backstage Chloe would throw out a couple of forgotten lines or give out stage directions, but for the most part, that Chloe just watched.
I had gotten so accustomed to watching myself that sometimes I would lie in my bed at night and stare at the ceiling and repeat to myself… “This is real. This is real. I am real. I am me. My life is real.” Realizing the fact that the person that I was watching act out their life was actually me always sent my head into a dizzying fast orbit. The fact that everyone was real, that we were all humans, that this life wasn’t just an incredibly complex and enthralling novel, absolutely turned my brain to mush. This is what I mean by questioning my existence. It is no wonder that after these mind games, I would fall promptly asleep, my brain too tired to continue living in the conscious form.
I still do this sometimes, but its harder now. I don’t know if it is because I’ve done it so often or if my mind is no longer capable of imagining the inconceivable.
Back to brain damage. I was considering this peculiar habit of mine (that is, the existence questioning) and wondered exactly how much damage it had done to my brain. Questioning the fact that one is real certainly doesn’t build up the brain cells. While pondering this, I came to an interesting conclusion: While brain damage caused by the external is serious and harmful, perhaps the greatest brain damage is done by ourselves with our own thoughts. What else could be so powerful as to damage our brains than the very things that feed it? When our thoughts become twisted and confused, our brain follows suit.
We can turn off parts of our brain by no longer using them. While a car crash can cause brain damage that is not of that person’s choice, we can in fact use our own thoughts to intentionally damage our brains. The sad part is, that by leaving some parts of their brains stagnant, many people are hurting their minds without even realizing it. Unintentional self-brain damage is very dangerous indeed.
“Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone! Wheter you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.”
~Oh, The Places You’ll Go! by Dr. Suess~
Fame is exciting, motivating, whimsical, depressing, destructive, and wonderful. People have gone to the ends of the earth to find it and hold onto it. I love the reality check that Dr. Seuss throws in here. “Except when they don’t because sometimes they won’t”. Life can’t always be a mountain top view. Being at the top is fun, but completely unrealistic. No one gets a free helicopter ride to the peak of the mountains of life. You have to get out the grapple and hook and start climbing. And once you get there, what are you going to do? Stay there forever? In order to move on with life, you must keep moving. Sometimes that means going back down to the valleys. Sometimes that means finding an even bigger mountain to climb. However, it is times “when they don’t” praise you and applaud you that really let you live. Those are the times when you aren’t living for someone else. Those lonely games can teach the most valuable lessons. God’s will and your own personal expectations should be the only benchmarks for success. Comparing yourself to others won’t get you anywhere, expect maybe into a deep abyss of insecurity and unhapiness. Don’t go there. That is not a neccessary part of the journey. Rise above the temptation to base your own success on someone else’s failure. Or worse, the temptation to label your own efforts as worthless because of what you see others doing. It’s a waste of time, energy, talent, and a perfectly wonderful you.
I found this story on a piece of paper under my bed a while ago. It is about the way I saw 9/11. I don’t believe I wrote it while I was six but rather a few years later. I’d date this around ages nine or ten. I typed it up as is, please excuse the grammar and incomplete sentences.
War to a child
Sitting inocently, playing with her sister, her Mother rushes to Tv. People on the screen talking frantically. Billows of smoke.
What Is Going ON!
Mother explains two very tall buildings have been hit by airplanes. Olders sister seems to understand. Everyone is so gloomy. It’s rather confusing and consuming. A family that rarely watches TV has the news on. The only thing that makes any sense is that there is a pattern to the news. They repeat the same clip every fifteen. In between are reports of more terrorist destruction. Everthying is touched; even her birthday, the on month anniversary. The airplanes flying by seem rather frightful. The years pass, the war does not. It is continual. It slowly slips from the child’s mind only to suddenly be brought back with a new “terror” report.
Will it end before her childhood is over?
I wrote this so long ago and yet the question is still valid. Will it ever be over? My childhood is quite gone. Yet the war and terror remains. Is this a passing phase or new era?
A solitary American flag hangs against the backdrop of debris that was once the World Trade Center in New York Tuesday, Sept. 11, 2001. Planes crashed into the upper floors of both World Trade Center towers minutes apart Tuesday morning, collapsing both 110-story buildings. (AP Photo/Graham Morrison)
I realized today (while on a jet ski) that difficulty is largely due to perception and preparation. Perception deals with the view. Who is describing the difficulty of a task? People have very different thresholds for hardship. It does not mean that one person’s difficulties and way of dealing with said difficulties is less valid if they have a lower threshold. They are feeling the same level of personal angst as one with a higher threshold. It is, however, harder to sympathize with the person who is complaining about a scratch after you have undergone surgery.
ng you win on TV.
Chloe J Sayers 