college – Page 2 – Chloe J Sayers

The Only Thing Constant in Life is Change

I wandered the slowly-vacated halls for the last hour until I realized it wasn’t healthy. I feel so incredibly conflicted.

I am excited to be going home and seeing family and friends.
I am so sad to not be able to see these dear people here for over a month.

I hate watching people leave.
Yet I want to be one of them.

One benefit of being a hall vagabond is that you pick up wisdom, along with free clothes and food, as you wander along. One girl described this feeling as being so scary because not only are you leaving, you aren’t sure what you are coming back to.

There will be a new roommate and new classes and a new schedule and new friends.
But I liked the old ones ever so much.

Change excites me, and it terrifies me.

Someone else described my inner turmoil to be a result of post-communal living disorder. That’s a big part of it. Going from constant communication and interaction to a more minimal level of people is unsettling.

Unsettling. That’s what this is.

Yet there is always that lining in knowing that I have wonderful people to return to. It wouldn’t hurt this much to say goodbye if I didn’t come to know and love these people so deeply.
It’s worth it.

Books

The Deafening Flood

I ordinarily have to force myself to get my western civilization reading done. Today was no exception. History will never excite me as much as its art, or learning about how we think, or even how to account for depreciation of assets. Yet while trudging through the text today, I was reading about the Islamic infantry troops called Janissaries which consisted mostly of Christian boys that were recruited and raised to be Muslim and a part of elite military troops. Which probably has a lot to be said about it but that’s not what caught my attention.

It was this line instead, “It was thought these troops would be extremely loyal to the sultan and the state because they owed their life and status to the sultan.”

How did they know that this status was so valuable that they would sacrifice their life to it? Exactly how are powerful are the cultural standards that flood our vision and deafen our ears? Can they really convince us that there is some level we need to achieve and that it is worth every fiber of our being?

Yes. They can and they will because they are sneaky. No one hands you a slip of paper with rules and regulations for fitting in with this world. Its not just from the magazines and TV and billboards all though those are certainly deserving of the criticism they receive for creating impossible ideals. The thing is, those wouldn’t exist if we didn’t want them to. They only work because we respond to them. We want something to affirm us or deny us but either way give some stability of what is right.

It doesn’t have to be a negative thing. We simply intrinsically gather information from the people and things around us to help us know what is valuable and true in this world. Look around yourself. What are your surroundings? Who is around you? They might not define you but they will create the definitions that you use to label yourself with.

Friendship, Life Lessons

Eighteen

Before I went to college, I always thought it was too bad that I was turning 18 when I would have just been at college for a month. Surely, I thought, there was no way I would have a group of friends to celebrate with that fast. I mean, I’m not the type of person that makes friends fast. My best friends from high school I knew for many years before we made that final leap into “best friendhood”.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Today was the best birthday I have ever had and that is including the two midterms I had to take today. It’s not just because I’m finally an adult (voting and infomercial shopping anyone?). It’s because today was a wonderful blend of realizing how much I belong here and what wonderful friends I still have from back home. I didn’t even know that the two could coexist so nicely before today.

Making friends here was so much more beautiful than I thought it would be. It wasn’t just easier because everyone was freshmen and wanting to make friends, it was significant because it was still sincere even if it was fast. So to all the wonderful people I have met, and the ones I have yet to meet: thank you. As individuals, as a collective whole, we are a part of something very unique and special here.

Holding onto the friends from home was a great deal harder than I expected. My tendancy is to live fully wherever I am and with whoever I am nearby. Technology aids maintaining connections but I love real conversations with real people. I’m fully aware of the wonderful things Skype can do but there is a drastic difference between a scheduled “skype date” and just sharing the little joys of life with people as they come up. I believe I fall short in this area of long-distance friendships consistently and while my past history makes my upcoming statement less than trustworthy, I truly wish to improve upon this. So to all the wonderful people that have been a part of my life, you aren’t rid of me yet.

I believe I started off this post as something about my birthday yet I digress more than I ever stay on topic. In short, my birthday was amazing because it contained wonderful people and friends and family and love and connections and for me, that is all I could ever wish for.

Happiness, Life Lessons, Writing

Logic-less

I really am spending more time writng than I ought. I should be reading and memorizing and studying. I feel that’s a bit unfair though. If I’m expected to keep soaking up information and knowledge, creating these giant stockpiles of thoughts in my brain than I think I should be allowed to turn the tables sometimes and release these ideas.

Besides, my entrepreneurship classes and books are always encouraging us to write and be creative. I like it when I can find other things to justify myself with rather than just my own logic.

I realized lately that I do that a lot. I create these little rules and mannerisms that help guide my life along. No one else follows them but I don’t expect them to. I like the idea that I can create up my own words if the ones I’ve been given aren’t working properly. I like that I can create my own paths if the ones that are offered don’t look like ones I want to sojourn down.

Today, I am in one of the best moods possible as a result of a severe lack of sleep and a good amount of coffee. I am just tired enough where nothing bothers me and have enough caffiene in my system to make everything peaceful and happy. It’s one of those moods where I am almost impossible to knock down. I don’t have to look for the silver lining on days like today. All I can see is the silver, the clouds aren’t even existent. I burned my tongue on my precious coffee today and instead of registering the pain, I smiled because my coffee was still hot. Perhaps this foolish happinness is completely irrational, but I am determined to enjoy it today.

One of those little rules that I have is that I have empowered myself to dictate what kind of day I am going to have. I decide whether it will be a happy day, a tired day, a reflective day, a sad day, and whatnot. The type of day I have is completely distinct from my circumstances. Its some kind of buffer I give myself that is built on a solid foundation of dellusion and denial. It’s probably unhealthy, but it works quite well for me.

That’s another rule: I can do things that don’t make sense but if they work, I can continue doing them. Today is a happy day. As was yesterday. Tomorrow is looking pretty good too. Once I started deciding what kind of day I was going to have (I began this a few months ago) I have found that is very convenient to choose to have happy days the majority of time. If you could pick what your day was going to be like, wouldn’t you go for the best possible?

About Me

Dusty Old Cabinets

setting: on my friend’s laptop in her room with the remnants of our post-homecoming dance snack (pretzels and peanut butter, goldfish, and the chips I snagged from the Gedunk)

My friend is asleep on the rug but I am most certainly awake. More accurately, I am very full of life. Full of the fullness of a life that is brimming with new people and ideas and memories. I suppose every memory is a new one for a second before it gets filed in a dusty old cabinet in between my 10th birthday party and the conversation I had last week. That’s the odd thing about my memory. It doesn’t prioritize at all. I can remember the large events with the same clarity as the obscure details. I can quote someone I was talking with a month ago word-for-word and recall the moment I learned to ride my bike as if both were synonymous in importance and both happened five minutes ago.

Yet I forget a lot. Or I confuse a lot. I mix up what one person has told me with someone else’s story. Faces can blur together sometimes. I might get the main framework of something right but completely blank out on the details. I’ll remember that you had three tests and a quiz and a potentially awkward confrontation and I’ll even remember to ask you about it afterwards but have no idea what the subjects were in or who the conversation was with.

I did not intend to write upon memory tonight but since I seem to be making memories a mile a minute here, I suppose it was quite appropriate. I will probably remember tonight, for instance. My first homecoming at Grove City College which was quite fun and memorable. I’m hoping I’ll remember a lot of these first four weeks here which is why I need to keep blogging so I can keep an external mental hard drive of sorts. More reflection on college later to come.

Until next time,
Chloe of life

Writing

Just a few disconnected thoughts

Nowadays, I have two motivations for blogging. 1) I have studied in excess and am about to disconnect from this world, its lovely people, and sanity. 2) I am waiting for my laundry to be done. Tonight falls into the latter category. I keep finding new ways to make the laundry process more efficient. This is wonderful as it allows me to spend less money on laundry aka more money on coffee. I don’t have a great point to make or structure to follow tonight. Just a few disconnected thoughts.

It’s funny how you can be with people almost 24/7 and be social and all those good things yet still be completely alone. Perhaps that sounds sad and lonely, but to me, its absolutely wonderful. It’s impossible to engage all the time; learning how to be in your own world while still functioning in the real one is a very valuable skill.

Two things happened to me this week with counteracting effects. First, my headphones completely died. Later that day, my phone decided that it would no longer let me hear whoever I was talking to. Once I realized this, I completely abused my advantage and delivered lovely long-winded monologues to the unfortunate person on the other “end of the line”. I’m sad to say, but my headphones dying was much more inconvenient than my phone. I didn’t realize how often I used them to block out the world. The music I didn’t miss all that much and it wasn’t that I couldn’t find quiet places to study, its just that now I had no legitimate excuse to ignore people. I don’t like this about myself, that I have this intense need to only listen to my thoughts at times. Its really quite selfish.

I am content with a silent world where I can only see the lips moving and the trees swaying and never stop to hear what the people and the wind have to say. Not all the time, mind you, this is only a temporary desire that passes once I find the opportunity to be an introvert. I was pleasantly surprised to find that, by the end of the week, I genuinely missed hearing someone’s voice on the other end of the phone. It may have taken me a week, but at least I got there.

And now, I believe/hope that my laundry is done so I can go to bed.

Until next time,
Chloe of many worlds

About Me, Change, Life Lessons

The Essence of Me

I have a funny habit of running experiments on myself. Before you jump to any conclusions, I do not have little bubbling jars of neon liquids in my room (you’re welcome roommates) Its just that I like to gaze into the abyss that is the future, place myself there, observe how I think I’ll react to a new situation, and then see if my hypothesis is correct in post-future retrospect. That last sentence made absolutely no sense and I will now try to redeem it. Here is a practical example:

When arriving at college, the expectations and reputation that I had gathered as the Chloe of Clarkston disappeared. I knew this would be the case and so I was eagerly anticipating my actions, thoughts, friend choices, etc… to see who I would be. Turns out, I’m quite like the Chloe of Clarkston.

Instead of being disappointed that I didn’t create some whole new personality, I’m quite relieved. I am still spontaneously introverted, mysteriously happy in the morning no matter how much sleep I get, in love with my calender and post-its and color-coding, dedicated to studying to death, addicted to quality conversations, in awe of my amazing God, and loving the people around me.

Not much has changed, yet everything has changed. Everything external is different, new, and changing at a mile a minute. The essence of me; however, has been delightfully consistent. Of course, this means that I still am struggling through the same weaknesses but I have a new courage and drive to defeat them. I am completely open to change (see last post) but do not see myself surrendering my color-coding pens anytime soon. Speaking of, my calender is telling me that its time to continue my Genesis overload.

Until next time,
the Chloe of anywhere

Change, God, Happiness, Life Lessons

Life is wonderful.

I feel like I have lived a month in the past week and could probably write a good deal on first college experiences but I am currently enjoying just living life instead of dissecting it. So for now, I am putting away the scapel. This does not mean that I have nothing to say. My mind is whirling faster than it did before, just more about the width of the Fertile Cresent, how to balance equities, liabilities, and assets, and business plans then my normal introspective thoughts.

The one rather self-reflective thought that has been making its rounds however; is about the way I percieve myself and my surroundings now in contrast to what my viewpoint will be in two years, one month, five days. I certainly know that I am an incredibly different person than when I was in 9th grade, or even the beginning of 12th grade. It only makes sense then, that I will change within the next four years. I will see myself and everything else in this wonderful world very differently. I will probably look back at my state of mind right now and give myself one of those condescending little half-grins. I will probably read this in a year and laugh out loud.

I completely realize how ignorant I am about self-realization, even when I think that I have myself figured out. I used to reassure myself that I least understood myself. Now, I reassure myself that at least I know that I don’t understand myself. At least I am aware that I am unaware.

I am far too happy to end this post on that negative note. I am good, life is wonderful, and God is great.