Chloe J Sayers

Grove City Standard Time

I have exactly four minutes to write this. Welcome to Grove City Standard Time. Activities that imagesCARR51YA used to take you an hour have about 10 minutes of scheduled time to get done. You will manage your time or you will lose it, along with your sanity. Yet even though the time has compressed and the clock’s hands seem to be racing to see who can get there fastest, there is no other time zone I’d rather be in. It’s amazing what you can get done in a minute when a minute is all the time you have.

Life at this speed is insane, impossible, exhausting, but also beautiful and precious. We have such a short and undetermined time to be here. This isn’t a race to run you raggard but one to run with dilligence while resting in God’s peace and ultimate sovereignty. For as much as I’d like to think I can do, I am completely useless without Him.

My time is up for now, but I’ll be back.
Chloe

Change, God, Organization

Last Check

Once Upon A Time I came home from college for Christmas break. And by “A Time” I mean 4 weeks ago. The sudden halt of activity and interactions jarred my sense of stability but there was Christmas to be celebrated, God to be worshipped, presents to be exchanged, and food (and food and food) to be eaten. Just before the “Christmas Thud” overtook me, I was rescued by my to-do list.

A mere sticky note could not contain this masterpiece.
I listed people to visit with and projects to master, new skills to learn, habits to begin, books to read.
While I thoroughly enjoyed seeing my friends and repainting my bathroom and running every day, I was still resting. For me, true rest is not in social interaction or sleeping or laying on the couch reading. I enjoy all of those things but true rest is in God.

I began feeling frustrated that my intellectual and spiritual growth were slowing down just because I was slowing down. However, with some good conversation with friends and God I realized this didn’t have to be the case. I’ve learned different things here at home, but I am still learning and still in awe of all that I don’t know and get to discover.

Now, this computer is the only thing I haven’t packed yet. My to-do list is completed and instead of feeling relieved, it makes me a bit sad. Sad because I don’t have things to accomplish and sad also because having things to accomplish has become so important to my sense of stability. Still a work in progress with that one.

I feel empty and I don’t know if it is just the angst of transition or sadness about leaving such a lovely home or trepidation for what the future holds and confused because all of these feelings are rather foreign to me. I have so much to learn.

About Me, Change, Life Lessons

Relating Relationships and Realities to a River

You’re going to need more than a grain of salt to season this one properly. Try a handful. Or a whole shaker-full for that matter.

Some people dream of living on a lake or ocean. I’d rather not. I enjoy the waves and water despite having failed at least 5 different sessions of swimming lessons. I’m more of a stream kind of person. I think that’s why I picked Grove City. It had a river and a clock tower. Those were my two main requirements.

So, I was watching the river the other day. I started wondering if my presence mattered at all. I could see that if I jumped into the river and started splashing around, it would change the river. Suddenly, it would become a river with a person in it. However, if I just sat there watching the currents, I could change it in a different way.

It no longer was just a river. It was a river being observed by a person. Somehow, it was changed by no merit of its own. Just by observing something, I could change how it was defined. At the time, this discovery of definition by proxy seemed very profound. I wasn’t even intoxicated with wallpaper dissolvant then.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized maybe this idea could be applied to something other than running water. The idea that I changed based on where I was and who I was with deeply disturbed me. It made me feel false and inconsistent even though nothing (significant) changed about me. So, using my incredibly sharp powers of deduction, I scanned my circumstances to see what changed.

Turns out, almost everything. I was around different people, in a different room, a different state ( of America and of mind), a different routine, and trying to fulfill different expectations. Let’s just focus on the first one though. Just as I turned a simple river into a bubbling brook being studied by a girl sitting on its banks, the people around me define me on some level just by being there and interacting with me.

I will never simply be Chloe. Instead, I am a daughter, a student, a church member, a child of God, a granddaughter, a cousin, and a friend. Even if we are only focusing on the friend aspect of me, that looks so incredibly different for each person. Chloe as the friend of Sally might be very distinct from Chloe as the friend of Diane*. It doesn’t mean that I changed. The river never changed because I observed it. It just means that if I am defined in some way by my relationships with others, it only makes sense that this is a relative reality based on location.

This comforted me in part, but what truly helped dissolve my fear that I hadn’t a shred of consistent character was that one relationship never changed: the one with my Creator and Savior. Considering this is the only one that really matters in the long run, I could rest at ease and return to over-analayzing landscapes and scraping wallpaper.

The End.

*I don’t actually know any Diane’s or Sally’s. Except for the one from the Peanuts but that doesn’t count because she isn’t real.

Church Life, God

Christian Living

I used to read those Christian girl magazines when I was younger. Pages of tips on boys and make-up and modest dress interwoven with articles on how much you should tithe or Christian musicians and the occassional Bible reading plan. Eventually, the editor canceled my subscription because I had an issue with some of their content and we got into an e-mail argument over it.
Oops.

Anyways, that pretty much shaped my view of Christianity. Not that it was run by egotistical overly-defensive editors rather, that it was a Christian life which was filled with normal life stuff like applying eyeshadow and doing “Define the Relationship” talks (so maybe thats not so normal) with a bit of Christianity interwoven. Not the mainstay of your life by any means, but the 15 minutes in the morning for Bible reading, an hour or two for youth group, and tithing at the Sunday morning worship service.

Because I was a good little homeschooled grew-up-in-the-church girl, I followed the expectations and read my Bible in the mornings. Its a dangerous thing to give a literalist 12 year old who devoured books a Bible. I was told to believe it and thats exactly what I did. Except it didn’t paint the same picture my Christian magazines were painting. It wasn’t telling me which Christian fiction book series about the Amish to read. It wasn’t telling me how many inches my shorts were supposed to be above the knee. It was telling me to love always and to pray continually and live every day, no, every second, for the glory of the God. Something wasn’t meshing for me.

Throughout highschool, I was content with the Christian life. I really enjoyed it even. I was content to believe that what I was doing was enough, because after all, one can’t always be praying can they?

I started reading the Bible again.

After a while, I couldn’t keep lying to myself. I had to accept the Bible for what it said or not at all. I started reading these books like Do Hard Things and Crazy Love and I finally found someone else that saw a disconnect between Christian living (it sounds like a Marthat Stewart brand) and what the Bible was saying.

Now, its easier than ever to completely live for God. I’m surrounded by church, discipleship groups, classes on the Bible, prayer groups, worship nights, prayer partners. It’s also harder than ever to be authentially living and radical in a bubble where the basics are already being met. I’m only at college for a season. God didn’t call me to live completely for Him for four years, He called me for life.

I’m reading another radical Christianity book right now. I watched the Passion 2012 stream last night. Yet I was talking to my friend and we both agreed that if we actually tried some of the radical love and trust in God that these people talk about, most Christian adults we know would discourage us.

What do they know that we don’t? I hear these ideas of living fully for God dismissed as a phase young Christians go through. Do we turn 30 and suddenly get to ignore those radical parts of the Bible? Does God stop convicting us to live completely for Him? I see this generation ready to be different but I think we need some adults too. Its too easy to be caught up in the hype and we need those are wiser to ground us.

I’m tired of Christian living and not living for Christ.

Change, Life Lessons

What Happens Next

As the year comes to a close, radio stations and TV talk shows only have one thing on their minds: reflection, resolutions, and rehashing. The top 10 songs, the top 3 box office hits, and the best of the political dramas and comedies that seem to be the mainstay of the news nowadays.

I, however, am tired of reflecting. Even so, I was browsing back through old blog drafts that never fully came to be. I came across one that was titled “Fare Thee Well” and I was very curious as to what my internal musings on goodbyes were considering how many I’ve made in the last year. Turns out, the post was blank. Which is just as well. Saying goodbye and hello means there are ends and beginnings.
That wasn’t the case for me. Life was more of an ongoing transition from mountain-biking to nannying to scholarships to summer to college. Not that these events are of equal significance but just that I can’t say goodbye because even if they aren’t in the present, my past accounts for a good portion of me.

The hellos are rather hard to pinpoint as well. Obviously, I said a lot of them as I started college and got acquainted with the 600 freshmen + upperclassmen. Yet I can never remember the exact moment when we went from a familiar face to a friendly one to a best friend one. Some people make me feel like we have been friends forever while others continue to surprise me with hidden pieces of themselves.

I really don’t have much else to say. If you want to know what my year was like, look back through some old posts. You might not get the details of what went on, but you’ll see the reflection of them in the ideas, thoughts, and emotions. Life was beautiful and disastrous. I had a stereotypically cliche senior year while internally fighting against man-made concepts of success. Needlesstosay, 2011 was interesting. Probably the best thing that happened though, is that I realized this year wasn’t all that special. Every year will have its excitements, dissapointments, and lessons learned. Which is one of the reasons life is worth living. You just never know what is going to happen next.

And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It’s not over yet

“This is Home” by Switchfoot

God

Timelines, learning curves, grace, and Christmas.

After months of trying to squeeze 70 productive minutes out of every hour, it feels very odd to be sitting here, at home, in front of my Christmas tree, with nothing to do. Of course, I have a list of people to see, books to read, thoughts to think, and things to do. All those things are on hold until after Christmas though. Even all my wrapping is done.

So I will now take advantage of this time to reflect on the past semester. I’ve been putting that off too, but I need to close the last chapter to start on the next one.

I really enjoy it when facebook changes things up on people. As soon as anything changed, my newsfeed becomes littered with angry statuses about hating change and progress. The funny part, is they are still using Facebook to express their bitter little opinions. I am personally very fond of the new timeline feature.

This is because I view the present in terms of the future. I like picturing my life in timeline form and seeing how impactful this semester could be on the rest of my life while keeping it in perspective that it was only an eighth of my college experience and a minuscule fraction of my life as a whole. If God can teach me so much in just a few months, I can’t wait to see what the next semester has in store.

I have learned to depend fully on God this semester. Correction: I’ve learned that I have to depend fully on God if I ever hope to fulfill His plan for me or maintain sanity. The actual practice of this is less than stellar.

I’ve learned to accept being a work in progress and release perfection. I’ve learned to let down mental barriers in order to appreciate others more fully. I’ve learned the value of alone time for reflection and God but also that introspection can be selfish and I need a whole lot less of it than I once thought.

I’ve learned that God is constant and while life is not, I don’t have to force it to be. If I let God be the source of my love, joy, and peace than I can let go of everything else.

Sometimes you read the textbook, pay attention in class, study like crazy, and still fail the test. That’s where I’m at right now (hopefully not in academics) but in life. I am absorbing so many new experiences and knowledge but I know that I still won’t pass the test of putting these things into practice.

Which is why there is grace from God, and a new covenant embodied in Jesus Christ, and this truly is the best thing ever. It’s also why Christmas (even minus the anticipation and coldness and snow) is so special.

Yours truly,
Chloe

P.S. I just re-read my Christmas post from last year around this time. The same tensions exist and probably always will. Except this year, I’m not at the point of breaking. Slowly but surely, God is working within me. Even the littlest bit of progress means there is still hope. Merry Christmas!

Change, Life Lessons

The Only Thing Constant in Life is Change

I wandered the slowly-vacated halls for the last hour until I realized it wasn’t healthy. I feel so incredibly conflicted.

I am excited to be going home and seeing family and friends.
I am so sad to not be able to see these dear people here for over a month.

I hate watching people leave.
Yet I want to be one of them.

One benefit of being a hall vagabond is that you pick up wisdom, along with free clothes and food, as you wander along. One girl described this feeling as being so scary because not only are you leaving, you aren’t sure what you are coming back to.

There will be a new roommate and new classes and a new schedule and new friends.
But I liked the old ones ever so much.

Change excites me, and it terrifies me.

Someone else described my inner turmoil to be a result of post-communal living disorder. That’s a big part of it. Going from constant communication and interaction to a more minimal level of people is unsettling.

Unsettling. That’s what this is.

Yet there is always that lining in knowing that I have wonderful people to return to. It wouldn’t hurt this much to say goodbye if I didn’t come to know and love these people so deeply.
It’s worth it.

Change, Life Lessons

Legos Life Lesson

I loved playing with legos as a small child. Yet considering that I usually started my construction projects in the middle of the highest traffic area in my house, they inevitably got broken. Have you ever stepped on a Lego? Now you can understand my parents’ pain. This also might explain why I went to kindergarten so early.

Anyways, the thing with broken legos is that once I came back to see my little house lying in little pieces and bricks, I didn’t just pack them back in the box and move on to a new activity. This was a chance at something new, something bigger, something better. Soon, my dinky 10 by 15 Lego brick house became a towering hotel. with attached parking garage. and pet salon. and grocery store.

Brokenness feels like, well, it feels like your soul has just been smashed to smithereens. Everything constant about yourself that used to give you peace and security is laying in little pieces on the ground and everyone around you is complaining that they hurt their poor little feet while stepping on the sharp shards of soul that used to be you. Brokenness might feel like the end of the world.

It might just be the beginning of an even better world. Everyone thinks their little Lego house is pretty sweet until they see the 5 star Hilton made of primary colors in brick form. Perspective is everything.

Personally, I believe that you cannot have deep joy until you’ve experienced deep sorrow. You can be ecstatic, excited, happy, but without having known what it is like to be apathetic, discouraged, and dismal you don’t know how beautiful joy truly is. Joy must be appreciated in order for it to reach it’s full potential.

Maybe you are the towering hotel right now. Just don’t forget that its the lows that got you this high. If you are in shatters on the ground, feeling trampled and bruised, don’t go running back to your box to hide. Let your brokenness build you.

Life Lessons, People

Unspoken

What happens to all of our unspoken thoughts? Whenever I’m in group conversations I watch people’s faces. Sometimes I see their eyes light up, their lips part involuntarily, an idea about to release……but the moment passes and the conversation dominator rushes along to their next story and there is one more thought never to be heard. Do all these unheard wishes and opinions simply die? Or do they stay inside us, begging to be released but never given the opportunity?

Personally, I write them down and feel like I’m being heard, that I am understood. Yet I begin to doubt. I feel like I am sending imaginary letters to people through the thoughts in my head but I rarely actually say the things I would like to. Maybe I never told that friend how much I appreciated them. I never shared that once, their words saved me. What would my life look like if I didn’t avoid confrontation or awkward situations? What friendships would have been deepened and which would have disappeared?

Sometimes we don’t have the address to mail these thoughts to. How can I thank the stranger whose smile and random compliment made my day? How can I tell a friend that I’m glad they were in my life when we haven’t talked in years?

I can’t ever make up for all the words I’ve left unspoken.

God, Life Lessons

Things I Believe

Usually, I would write a wordy rambling on each one of these. My new goal for writing: be concise. Here’s one of my first attempts to consolidate my thoughts.

Things I Believe

I am who I am, no matter who I’m with or where I am.

My peace is not grounded in knowing everything will work out in the end, but knowing that even if it doesn’t, God is still perfect in love and faithful to the end.

I am shaped by my past but not defined by it.

Compared to eternity, this life is very insignificant.

This life is insignificant when it comes to the things that don’t affect eternity. Sharing God’s love and salvation and living out His will affect eternity and more than deserve my attention and effort.

I will often be wrong. It’s better to admit when you are wrong than try to defend a lost cause.

I am responsible to the people in my life, but not for them.

To live in blissful denial: don’t count the hours of sleep you get, cups of coffee you drink, or amount of time spent studying.

Being quiet and listening is as satisfying as getting to express yourself.

Thinking can both save and destroy you: use your thoughts wisely.

Being busy isn’t a sign of productivity, achievement, or success. Nor does God use it to determine our worth.

Balance is beautiful.

People are worth it, every time. Love is always worth the pain of caring.

If I won’t give up on the people in my life, I won’t give up on myself either.

Basing your self-perception off of how you interact with others is only half of who you are, a little introspection goes a long way.