Life Lessons – Page 8 – Chloe J Sayers

Grove City Standard Time

I have exactly four minutes to write this. Welcome to Grove City Standard Time. Activities that imagesCARR51YA used to take you an hour have about 10 minutes of scheduled time to get done. You will manage your time or you will lose it, along with your sanity. Yet even though the time has compressed and the clock’s hands seem to be racing to see who can get there fastest, there is no other time zone I’d rather be in. It’s amazing what you can get done in a minute when a minute is all the time you have.

Life at this speed is insane, impossible, exhausting, but also beautiful and precious. We have such a short and undetermined time to be here. This isn’t a race to run you raggard but one to run with dilligence while resting in God’s peace and ultimate sovereignty. For as much as I’d like to think I can do, I am completely useless without Him.

My time is up for now, but I’ll be back.
Chloe

Change, God, Organization

Last Check

Once Upon A Time I came home from college for Christmas break. And by “A Time” I mean 4 weeks ago. The sudden halt of activity and interactions jarred my sense of stability but there was Christmas to be celebrated, God to be worshipped, presents to be exchanged, and food (and food and food) to be eaten. Just before the “Christmas Thud” overtook me, I was rescued by my to-do list.

A mere sticky note could not contain this masterpiece.
I listed people to visit with and projects to master, new skills to learn, habits to begin, books to read.
While I thoroughly enjoyed seeing my friends and repainting my bathroom and running every day, I was still resting. For me, true rest is not in social interaction or sleeping or laying on the couch reading. I enjoy all of those things but true rest is in God.

I began feeling frustrated that my intellectual and spiritual growth were slowing down just because I was slowing down. However, with some good conversation with friends and God I realized this didn’t have to be the case. I’ve learned different things here at home, but I am still learning and still in awe of all that I don’t know and get to discover.

Now, this computer is the only thing I haven’t packed yet. My to-do list is completed and instead of feeling relieved, it makes me a bit sad. Sad because I don’t have things to accomplish and sad also because having things to accomplish has become so important to my sense of stability. Still a work in progress with that one.

I feel empty and I don’t know if it is just the angst of transition or sadness about leaving such a lovely home or trepidation for what the future holds and confused because all of these feelings are rather foreign to me. I have so much to learn.

About Me, Change, Life Lessons

Relating Relationships and Realities to a River

You’re going to need more than a grain of salt to season this one properly. Try a handful. Or a whole shaker-full for that matter.

Some people dream of living on a lake or ocean. I’d rather not. I enjoy the waves and water despite having failed at least 5 different sessions of swimming lessons. I’m more of a stream kind of person. I think that’s why I picked Grove City. It had a river and a clock tower. Those were my two main requirements.

So, I was watching the river the other day. I started wondering if my presence mattered at all. I could see that if I jumped into the river and started splashing around, it would change the river. Suddenly, it would become a river with a person in it. However, if I just sat there watching the currents, I could change it in a different way.

It no longer was just a river. It was a river being observed by a person. Somehow, it was changed by no merit of its own. Just by observing something, I could change how it was defined. At the time, this discovery of definition by proxy seemed very profound. I wasn’t even intoxicated with wallpaper dissolvant then.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized maybe this idea could be applied to something other than running water. The idea that I changed based on where I was and who I was with deeply disturbed me. It made me feel false and inconsistent even though nothing (significant) changed about me. So, using my incredibly sharp powers of deduction, I scanned my circumstances to see what changed.

Turns out, almost everything. I was around different people, in a different room, a different state ( of America and of mind), a different routine, and trying to fulfill different expectations. Let’s just focus on the first one though. Just as I turned a simple river into a bubbling brook being studied by a girl sitting on its banks, the people around me define me on some level just by being there and interacting with me.

I will never simply be Chloe. Instead, I am a daughter, a student, a church member, a child of God, a granddaughter, a cousin, and a friend. Even if we are only focusing on the friend aspect of me, that looks so incredibly different for each person. Chloe as the friend of Sally might be very distinct from Chloe as the friend of Diane*. It doesn’t mean that I changed. The river never changed because I observed it. It just means that if I am defined in some way by my relationships with others, it only makes sense that this is a relative reality based on location.

This comforted me in part, but what truly helped dissolve my fear that I hadn’t a shred of consistent character was that one relationship never changed: the one with my Creator and Savior. Considering this is the only one that really matters in the long run, I could rest at ease and return to over-analayzing landscapes and scraping wallpaper.

The End.

*I don’t actually know any Diane’s or Sally’s. Except for the one from the Peanuts but that doesn’t count because she isn’t real.

Change, Life Lessons

What Happens Next

As the year comes to a close, radio stations and TV talk shows only have one thing on their minds: reflection, resolutions, and rehashing. The top 10 songs, the top 3 box office hits, and the best of the political dramas and comedies that seem to be the mainstay of the news nowadays.

I, however, am tired of reflecting. Even so, I was browsing back through old blog drafts that never fully came to be. I came across one that was titled “Fare Thee Well” and I was very curious as to what my internal musings on goodbyes were considering how many I’ve made in the last year. Turns out, the post was blank. Which is just as well. Saying goodbye and hello means there are ends and beginnings.
That wasn’t the case for me. Life was more of an ongoing transition from mountain-biking to nannying to scholarships to summer to college. Not that these events are of equal significance but just that I can’t say goodbye because even if they aren’t in the present, my past accounts for a good portion of me.

The hellos are rather hard to pinpoint as well. Obviously, I said a lot of them as I started college and got acquainted with the 600 freshmen + upperclassmen. Yet I can never remember the exact moment when we went from a familiar face to a friendly one to a best friend one. Some people make me feel like we have been friends forever while others continue to surprise me with hidden pieces of themselves.

I really don’t have much else to say. If you want to know what my year was like, look back through some old posts. You might not get the details of what went on, but you’ll see the reflection of them in the ideas, thoughts, and emotions. Life was beautiful and disastrous. I had a stereotypically cliche senior year while internally fighting against man-made concepts of success. Needlesstosay, 2011 was interesting. Probably the best thing that happened though, is that I realized this year wasn’t all that special. Every year will have its excitements, dissapointments, and lessons learned. Which is one of the reasons life is worth living. You just never know what is going to happen next.

And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It’s not over yet

“This is Home” by Switchfoot

Change, Life Lessons

The Only Thing Constant in Life is Change

I wandered the slowly-vacated halls for the last hour until I realized it wasn’t healthy. I feel so incredibly conflicted.

I am excited to be going home and seeing family and friends.
I am so sad to not be able to see these dear people here for over a month.

I hate watching people leave.
Yet I want to be one of them.

One benefit of being a hall vagabond is that you pick up wisdom, along with free clothes and food, as you wander along. One girl described this feeling as being so scary because not only are you leaving, you aren’t sure what you are coming back to.

There will be a new roommate and new classes and a new schedule and new friends.
But I liked the old ones ever so much.

Change excites me, and it terrifies me.

Someone else described my inner turmoil to be a result of post-communal living disorder. That’s a big part of it. Going from constant communication and interaction to a more minimal level of people is unsettling.

Unsettling. That’s what this is.

Yet there is always that lining in knowing that I have wonderful people to return to. It wouldn’t hurt this much to say goodbye if I didn’t come to know and love these people so deeply.
It’s worth it.

Change, Life Lessons

Legos Life Lesson

I loved playing with legos as a small child. Yet considering that I usually started my construction projects in the middle of the highest traffic area in my house, they inevitably got broken. Have you ever stepped on a Lego? Now you can understand my parents’ pain. This also might explain why I went to kindergarten so early.

Anyways, the thing with broken legos is that once I came back to see my little house lying in little pieces and bricks, I didn’t just pack them back in the box and move on to a new activity. This was a chance at something new, something bigger, something better. Soon, my dinky 10 by 15 Lego brick house became a towering hotel. with attached parking garage. and pet salon. and grocery store.

Brokenness feels like, well, it feels like your soul has just been smashed to smithereens. Everything constant about yourself that used to give you peace and security is laying in little pieces on the ground and everyone around you is complaining that they hurt their poor little feet while stepping on the sharp shards of soul that used to be you. Brokenness might feel like the end of the world.

It might just be the beginning of an even better world. Everyone thinks their little Lego house is pretty sweet until they see the 5 star Hilton made of primary colors in brick form. Perspective is everything.

Personally, I believe that you cannot have deep joy until you’ve experienced deep sorrow. You can be ecstatic, excited, happy, but without having known what it is like to be apathetic, discouraged, and dismal you don’t know how beautiful joy truly is. Joy must be appreciated in order for it to reach it’s full potential.

Maybe you are the towering hotel right now. Just don’t forget that its the lows that got you this high. If you are in shatters on the ground, feeling trampled and bruised, don’t go running back to your box to hide. Let your brokenness build you.

Life Lessons, People

Unspoken

What happens to all of our unspoken thoughts? Whenever I’m in group conversations I watch people’s faces. Sometimes I see their eyes light up, their lips part involuntarily, an idea about to release……but the moment passes and the conversation dominator rushes along to their next story and there is one more thought never to be heard. Do all these unheard wishes and opinions simply die? Or do they stay inside us, begging to be released but never given the opportunity?

Personally, I write them down and feel like I’m being heard, that I am understood. Yet I begin to doubt. I feel like I am sending imaginary letters to people through the thoughts in my head but I rarely actually say the things I would like to. Maybe I never told that friend how much I appreciated them. I never shared that once, their words saved me. What would my life look like if I didn’t avoid confrontation or awkward situations? What friendships would have been deepened and which would have disappeared?

Sometimes we don’t have the address to mail these thoughts to. How can I thank the stranger whose smile and random compliment made my day? How can I tell a friend that I’m glad they were in my life when we haven’t talked in years?

I can’t ever make up for all the words I’ve left unspoken.

God, Life Lessons

Things I Believe

Usually, I would write a wordy rambling on each one of these. My new goal for writing: be concise. Here’s one of my first attempts to consolidate my thoughts.

Things I Believe

I am who I am, no matter who I’m with or where I am.

My peace is not grounded in knowing everything will work out in the end, but knowing that even if it doesn’t, God is still perfect in love and faithful to the end.

I am shaped by my past but not defined by it.

Compared to eternity, this life is very insignificant.

This life is insignificant when it comes to the things that don’t affect eternity. Sharing God’s love and salvation and living out His will affect eternity and more than deserve my attention and effort.

I will often be wrong. It’s better to admit when you are wrong than try to defend a lost cause.

I am responsible to the people in my life, but not for them.

To live in blissful denial: don’t count the hours of sleep you get, cups of coffee you drink, or amount of time spent studying.

Being quiet and listening is as satisfying as getting to express yourself.

Thinking can both save and destroy you: use your thoughts wisely.

Being busy isn’t a sign of productivity, achievement, or success. Nor does God use it to determine our worth.

Balance is beautiful.

People are worth it, every time. Love is always worth the pain of caring.

If I won’t give up on the people in my life, I won’t give up on myself either.

Basing your self-perception off of how you interact with others is only half of who you are, a little introspection goes a long way.

Life Lessons

Tick Tock

This post is over a year in the making. Having said that, don’t expect it to be great. I’m just done waiting for it be better before I write it.
I’ve always wanted to write about time. Time fascinates me. It is cursed and blessed in the same breath. It is the one constant in our life and instead of being thankful for this smigeon of stability we either want it to go faster or slow down.

This is what I love about time: it doesn’t listen to our unfounded whims. It continues to march on at the same pace no matter what our feelings are regarding it. On some nights, when friends are happy, and I’m exhausted from dancing, and the world is full of rainbows and chocolate chip cookies, we beg for time to just pause. Give us a breath to soak in life.

Then there are the nights when the world is ending. You have been smashed by life and being broken has become a way of existence. All you want is to be able to catch a breath. It is on nights like these that we are so grateful that the seconds keep ticking by because it means that at least something moves on and maybe we can too.

At this point of my life, the days are extremely long. It might be a result of my tendency to be a night owl combined with 8 oclock classes so I really am awake for a good portion of the day or that there is so much to do and experience that it seems inconievable that everything fits into 24 hours. Yet the weeks fly by. I’ve finished the first three months of college but it feels like summer just ended yestersday.

Thankfuls:
The amazing people I have met.
The oppurtunities that continue to amaze and excite me.
Warm blankets and hot coffee.
The friends and family that I have to come home to.
Amazing roommates that make sure I don’t accidently hurt myself beyond repair.
A beautiful place to live and learn.
A loving God who is constant and faithful.
Peace from knowing I am His.

Change, God, Life Lessons

My Feeble Attempt

I like quotes. Mostly because they do what I never can. They take a thought, an idea, an emotion and turn it into a sentence or two. It usually takes me more like a paragraph or two. Sometimes I browse the web for quotes when its a rainy day out like today and nothing is really pressing on my shoulders right now and I need some new ideas to fill my brain with. The one above is a good example of your typical internet quote. It is decently nice. It is also decently egotistical. I browsed a bit down the comments about this one and one read: “Don’t you ever forget, You Are Perfect!”

That’s a really nice thought. A really nice thought that’s really false. You aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect. We never will be. I don’t even have a good proportion of doing things right to messing up. In fact, I’d estimate that I mess up 8.48 times for every one time that I actually do something right. But that’s just a rough guess.

I’m okay with that. I want to do better in every area of my life but there is something to be said for imperfection. It makes us vulnerable. It tears down some of judgment walls if we would just realize that everyone is just as broken as we are and we are just a group of fallen people feebly trying to hold each other up while resting in the incredible grace of the God who created and saved us.

It also makes the small perfections in life even more beautiful. The innocence of children is even more precious, the sincere smile from a stranger even more encouraging.

We are wonderfully made and known by name by an incredible God, yes. Perfect we are not.